The Pull of the Classroom

I was thinking today about why I get so eager to teach lessons now as a coach: to be honest, I’m not really coaching when I’m the one teaching. Sure, I could say I demo lessons for the sake of showing a teacher a certain instructional move we’ve discussed, but in reality, I’m mostly teaching because I offer, I’m asked, and I have way too much fun doing it.

Believe me, it’s something I feel guilty about every single time.

I feel I’m neglecting my coaching skill-set by not using it, even if teachers appreciate the effectiveness of my teaching those tricky lessons. There’s guilt, under a thick layer of satisfaction. Teaching is [and will always be] something I truly love. So, when they ask me to take over, I rush to a bold yes.

Here’s the other side I began realizing today: by reteaching lessons I’ve taught in the past, I’m noticing better techniques and approaches I didn’t have when I was in the classroom. With each lesson I “demo,” I feel like I’m making up for the less-than-efficient teaching I did. That feels good, sort of healing. My heart, of course, wants more of it.

I pause, reread those lines, and a wave of shame comes rushing. I sound like a selfish coach, almost to the point of wanting to delete this entry and let another Tuesday go by without a slice. I can admit to that.

I can also admit to being in a total state of openness as I hit the keys—and I blame Brené Brown for that!

Realizing I’m doing something better than before is exhilarating, and sharing with other people keeps me connected to a higher purpose. Cake tastes better when there’s plenty for everyone. For a while, I worried my ego would inflate too much, but what I notice is that whenever I get it right and share with others, I feel like my bare feet are touching fresh, cool grass.

I also get energized by sharing what I’m still messing up, but I fear I don’t do it enough. There’s a lot I preach that I catch myself falling back into, and I know it’s not a big deal, but it’s definitely a missed coaching opportunity I could be tapping more into.

“I’m here to get it right, not to be right.”

Getting it right last year was about defining a new role and finding as many things to fix as possible. This year, I am leaning into the fun part of learning with others. Getting it right this year has to be about recognizing when I’m acting outside of my values of growth and giving back. Here’s my most recent accountability list (that goes beyond my role as a coach and toward a school leader):

• Noticing when I’m stuck in a negativity loop
• Pausing before answering
• Asking more than saying
• Holding boundaries
• Shaking off the shame that comes from saying “I’m not sure”
• Balancing the urge to “rescue” with my actual job description

Tomorrow, I want to reassess my calendar, clean my “I volunteer!” filter, and make a plan to get better at this. Starting with this whole coaching deal. Coaching to me is about enriching the practice of those around me, and they can’t do that by simply watching me.