Up, Up, Up… Oh No!

Elena,

Every night before I go to bed, I scroll through my camera roll to see the latest photos or videos I took of you that day. The videos steal precious resting minutes, but it’s worth it every time. Tonight, I will replay the video of you stacking blocks.

“Done!”

You say as the third block goes up. Then, you reach for a fourth one, from the box. You hesitate, and pick up one from my pile instead.

“Etee”

For us, this means “this one!”

“Etee”

Good choice, girl.

“Mapa”

I don’t really know what you meant with that, but you said it with enthusiasm as you stacked the last block.

“Up”

Four blocks don’t seem to be enough, so you reach for another one, dangerously moving your arm around the tower you’re unintentionally building.

Crash, the blocks fall apart.

“Oh noo!”

I can’t get enough of your sweet, innocent voice and the tone you use when you use these words.

Blocks fell? No big deal. You start stacking again. This time, in a different order.

“Up, up, up”

I waited so long to watch you stack, and not only are you doing it, but you’re also using the words I used with you.

Each time a block goes up, you announce it.

You might think that four blocks are enough this time because when you place one, you say, “Done.” But then your creation collapses again.

Another “Oh no” for Mama’s heart to explode.

Making them fall now seems to be more fun, so you use the block left in your hand to push the others, and as you do, you’re narrating something I can’t understand yet: “Bapee, bapee”

Then, more random words:

“Bepa, owei, paip”

I finish the video and go back to hear your voice again. I remember stacking blocks for you as you learned to sit up. You barely blinked as you watched me stack those soft and bigger blocks one by one.

“Up, up, up. Done!”

I remember wondering how long it’d take for you to respond or imitate my actions. I keep falling into that trap of expectations and wanting to rush time. But each time I fall, you pull me out with an unexpected moment—a moment, milestone, memory that breaks my reality into a before and an after.

Te amo!