Elena’s Mom

With my left hand, I go from writing these words to locking fingers, and with my right one, I hold her precious little head as she nurses—here goes my first post as a first-time mom.

Elena came into my world to turn things upside down and give me new perspectives, which I was expecting. I mean, I knew it was bound to happen. The thing is, my mind isn’t functioning the way it used to when I had such rational expectations, and so I feel the urge to erase the board and start jotting new thoughts that feel very foreign to me.

Even during pregnancy, I carried myself the way I’d been doing it for years: trying to check many tasks off of my ToDo list and following a routine that made sense. I felt like everything around me and everything I did (especially work-related) had to fit a certain structure.

Here’s the thing, motherhood does not accept that software. That “it’s supposed to [blank]…” mindset does not serve me well as Elena’s mom. It only worked with my previous identities, and I’m struggling with this reality. Nothing I did to prepare myself for motherhood is helping with the feeling of inadequacy, which sucks.

I know being a mom is meant to change me, and I’m eager to learn more about who I’ll be now. But mostly, I need to make peace with the fact that this new aspect of me needs to be a bit less controlling and trust the unexpected flow of things. Things don’t always have to make sense and I can let a certain irrational order of things, guide me—imagine that!

As I write these words, I realize that the best way to enjoy this new journey is to drop all expectations and simply accept the “type with one hand” version of me. The rational Ana reads those words and doubts, but the new Ana feels Elena’s tight grip on my finger, and I smile. I can do this.