I’m not OK, and that’s OK.

It’s my fault, I know. I shouldn’t be on social media this much. The thing is, I usually cope just fine. I can draw my lines. I can shut it off and go back to my peaceful mindset. This time, I am having a harder time and I’m sure others are on the same boat as me.

This is my routine these days: wake up, wash up, have some water, go check that everything is ready for students to carry on with their online learning plan for the day. I sit in front of the computer for an hour or two before realizing I haven’t had breakfast and my stomach is growling (I wake up with a huge appetite) so I go and pour myself some cereal. Then, again in front of a screen for hours, with the occasional “release me!” breaks my bladder shouts out.

I have tabs open, I check in with students on the chat, they are happy to talk to me and they have questions, they want to also talk to their friends. I’m happy to hear from them, so I don’t shut it off. I start planning for the next day, as soon as I can, then another 3 emails that seem urgent, I get to those. Wait, the video for tomorrow’s lesson didn’t upload, gotta try that again. Oh, there are over 100 posts on Seesaw I haven’t checked yet, “I’ll try to get those during dinner” my mind repeats on a loop.

Tim reminds me to at least get up and stretch when I refuse to go out for a walk. When the walks happen, I’m grateful. The fresh air and [mostly] empty streets calm me down and recharge me. More emails and messages await at home, I try to break off by making myself busy in the kitchen, some food, Friends, and much-needed girl time on Whatsapp groups. Then back to work with the same silly idea, “maybe I can get more stuff done tonight so tomorrow is easier…”

I notice the sun setting, so I start looking at the clock more often, reminding me I need to walk away soon, and leave the rest for the next day, but the night makes its way into our home, and I turn more lights on to finish up a few final tasks. Then it happens, I go on my phone to disconnect my brain from work, silence work emails until the next day, and start navigating through Twitter and Instagram, looking for goofy posts. Something that will make me laugh while avoiding the posts from other educators that say “we’re doing great!”

Ugh.

Don’t get me wrong. Those who know me now I’m a positive person, I think I mentioned that in a post here. But these days, I think it’s important we also talk about how hard this is and how not knowing what we’re doing it’s OK. I believe there should be a balance between staying positive and being there for our students and families, and at the same time, admit that we are also struggling. Why do I feel like I’m expected to be just fine? Where is that coming from?

I have to keep telling myself that it’s OK to be struggling. That’s one thing I teach my students, struggles may lead to growth. At this moment, I feel like if I were to share my struggles, others would suggest ways to move past it.

• “Make sure you exercise”
• “Have a routine”
• “Don’t spend too much time at the computer” (while teaching remotely)
• “Meditate”
• “Cook something new”
• “Disconnect”
• “Delegate”
• “Prioritize”

I don’t know about you, but even if I love doing many of those things anyway, this isn’t a time for other people to tell someone else what to do. I think what some of us need is just to be heard, to get some empathy, to be allowed to feel. I’ll have better days, not all days will be like today, and I can cope with it. I just believe it’s important to put the word out there: not being OK it’s OK. No matter what you do.